*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
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I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight