Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color

The game has officially changed 😎

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Oh thanks BBC.

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

The news in a nutshell.

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”