Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms