Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

True story 🤣

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.