Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
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Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My birthstone is kidney
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.