Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
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when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
This was the best day of my life
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
🤣✨#caturday
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
⛄️
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Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.