Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
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told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”