Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

Print is alive and well!!!

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

You wish you had this many chins.

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

☺️

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*