tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
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Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
found my next D&D character name
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Got him!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
due date
