tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.