tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
This raises questions
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The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on