Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
