Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.