Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

getting seasonal up in here

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.