Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

the battle rages on

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?