Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Only you can prevent podcasts

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

A new level of troll.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.