Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting