Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
This trial is so absurd 😭