Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

Ovenable?

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.