Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.