Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

*ernest hemingway voice*

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers