Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

💻🤡

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.