Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
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I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”