Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook