Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

Body by Oreos

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone