Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

this post was so formative to me

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Hello, my name is Pierre.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.