Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

making my dog give me my pills

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

Wolves should really raise more people.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried