Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

going to bed

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.