Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
🙅🏻
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.