Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
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Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?