Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”