torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us