torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
love it when they get my name right
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
socratic questions
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft