Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup