Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

me working on my assignments ^-^

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that