Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

You are what you delete.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.