*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Thinking about Jeff
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.