Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.