@BakedBrotatoes

*tosses banana peel out the window during a police chase*

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@P_o_n_k

BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?

@SaltyCorpse

When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.

Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.

@J_Recommends

My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.

I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.

@iwearaonesie

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

@stephenjmolloy

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

@Shade510

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

@DadandBuried

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

@Sailsman777

You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”