*tosses banana peel out the window during a police chase*

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BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?


When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.

Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.


My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.

I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.


*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it


Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?


Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.


Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)


Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.


You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”