*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
You Might Also Like
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM