*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
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a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
This rocks
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.