*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

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Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”


FRIEND: Try to relate to her.

(Later on Date)

ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?


[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]


My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.


Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”


I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.


Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical