*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
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my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My wedding will be open casket.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Sending in my taxes
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity