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@squirrel74wkgn: *tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
"Pick that up."
@YAppelbaum: Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
@Brampersandon_: [Me]: "I have hat-like reflexes"
[You]: Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* "Nope"
@TweetPotato314: me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
@Love_bug1016: I'm not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I'd bring sticks and marshmallows.
@Eric_Bader: Isn't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.