*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
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You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that