tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Oh my god
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Give a baker flours on your first date.
opening twitter today
