@Reverend_Scott
“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”
No, you’d be disappointed.
“Wait-”
Because-
“Don’t say it-”
Omelette u down.
“Please leave.”
@McNevich
Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait
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@Reverend_Scott
@MomOnFire
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
@comotethomas
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
@MrSpoonicorn
*a tree branch bursts into a bank with a gun*
“THIS IS A STICK UP”
*everyone laughs*
“GUYS IM SERIOUS”
*more laughter*
“DAMN IT”
*leaves*
@ManvAlcohol
I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.
@Gupton68
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
@BlindVigil
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
@Zwolf666
Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.
@Home_Halfway
MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces
@CulturedRuffian
Tim Burton could’ve saved a lot of money on ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.