Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait
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Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a…napkin
BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
1. How we structure our sentences.
2. Grandpa’s wife.
Some of you will pick number two.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten
Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me
Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!