@McNevich

Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait

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@Reverend_Scott

“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”

No, you’d be disappointed.

“Wait-”

Because-

“Don’t say it-”

Omelette u down.

“Please leave.”

@MomOnFire

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

@comotethomas

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

@MrSpoonicorn

*a tree branch bursts into a bank with a gun*
“THIS IS A STICK UP”
*everyone laughs*
“GUYS IM SERIOUS”
*more laughter*
“DAMN IT”
*leaves*

@ManvAlcohol

I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.

@Gupton68

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

@BlindVigil

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

@Zwolf666

Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.

@Home_Halfway

MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces

@CulturedRuffian

Tim Burton could’ve saved a lot of money on ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.