Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
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“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
The smoothest fall of all time
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.