@McNevich

Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait

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@karanbirtinna

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

@brunopieroni

Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a…napkin

BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

@Marilyn_Brando

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

@smithsara79

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

@BlondAmbitionTO

Grammar is:
1. How we structure our sentences.
2. Grandpa’s wife.

Some of you will pick number two.

@iinkedZombie

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

@batkaren

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!