Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait

You Might Also Like


“Will u make me breakfast tomorrow?”

No, you’d be disappointed.



“Don’t say it-”

Omelette u down.

“Please leave.”


Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.


[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit


*a tree branch bursts into a bank with a gun*
*everyone laughs*
*more laughter*


I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.


The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.


I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.


Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.


MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces


Tim Burton could’ve saved a lot of money on ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.