Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.