totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Too easy.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Every work meeting this week
I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what