totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
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[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years