totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Oh no
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy