Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Waiting for the Charmin

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No