Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this