Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
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When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.