Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic