Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

I’m not stressed

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me