Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dark side of Canada

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Some of y’all tomorrow …

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old