Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

presenting your incognito window wrapped

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

I fixed it. For me

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.