Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Stop it! 😂

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me