Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

I’m calling the cops.

Important

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Genius idea!!

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball