Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.