TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.