Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit