Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots