*touches your nose*
*touches your mouth*
*touches your forehead*

Them: Why are you touching me?

Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere

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When he finally says those three little words you’ve been waiting to hear – I bought cheese.


Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”



There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*


pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*


when the cashier tells me my total, I always say, “that was a great year”. depending on how they react to totals like $16.92 or $34.20 tells me if they’re a time traveler or not.


An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey…


*smoke detector goes off*
*toddler runs around screaming*
*smoke detector goes off again*
wife *walks into the kitchen*
me: How was your nap?


Take it easy, guy who posts 10,000 pics of his baby on Facebook.

We get it already.

You got laid once.


My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in