Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

getting groceries

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.