Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.