Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.