Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

Give us this day our daily internet validation

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*