Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
This bar smells like my childhood.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.