Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me if I was a dog
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet