TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.