Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

The game has officially changed 😎

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999