TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Realize this:
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.