Tough love is true love
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I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
#parenting
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut