Tough love is true love
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A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.