Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long