Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

ㅤ

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

a public service announcement

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.