Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

Oh deer

War & Peace

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.