tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
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Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “